When The Muse Strikes

Did I mention previously that rituals and sacrements form an integral part of the Tambrahm lifestyle? From birth to death, every milestone is crossed with determination under the eagle eyed guidance of the priest. The rules are strict and immutable. They are also male centric, institutionalising discrimination and exlusion of women.

In the Tambrahm way of life, when a man reaches the age of sixty, he celebrates his 'Sashtiapthapurthi'. When a man reaches seventy, he celebrates 'Bhimaratha Shanthi'. When he reaches eighty, he celebrates 'Sadabhishekam' and when he approaches one hundred years of age, he celebrates 'Kanakabhishekam'. These can be celebrated only if his first born is a son and his first born's first born is also a son. Yes. Its complicated. And where does the woman figure in all this? She just needs to be beside her long living husband when the celebrations take place. If she has not been so disobliging as to have kicked the bucket before the festivities - which are basically a re-enactment of the marriage ceremony by each subsequent generation of male children.

Discrimination, exclusion and isolation are experienced by women everyday in different ways. You could be an illiterate woman surviving on daily wages, or a highly educated woman belonging to a privileged class of society. Regardless of the strata of society they belong to, these are realities women learn to confront, negotiate, accept or propogate, depending on socialisation, experiences and personal mission in life. If you choose to stand up for egalitarianism, then the support and partnership of men can make the difference. And that is the origin of this long winded narration!

My parents are celebrating the golden jubilee of their marriage this year. All his life, my father has looked askance at poojas and rituals that mark the Tambrahm lifestyle. On several occassions he was simply pressurised into going along with them. But in this matter, he refused to budge. My father scorned the 'Shashtis' and 'Bhimas'. 'My wife and I have together built this family. I see no reason to celebrate only MY birthday.' But this year he was rather excited. 'Our marriage will be 50 years old. Lets celebrate!.

So we will Appa. And this post is a daughter's celebration of the wonderful liberal thinking man that you are.

With love.

After her last three misadventures, Nishigandha should really have been prepared for this one. As it turned out, this one didn't even progress to a formal meeting of the interested parties!

The first contact was made by Mr. Sharma, father of the hopeful groom. He owned a business in advertising and after handing it over to his eligible son, was now leading a comfortable retired life. He appeared to a liberal minded man. He suggested that Nishi get to know his son, Arun and if they clicked, then the parents could come into the picture. What a nice thought!

With optimism, Nishi sent an introductory mail to Arun. He replied back and their communication was on.

"What do you like to do to unwind and relax?" asked Nishi.

"I like to read. I'm into spirituality and mysticism". said he

"Really? Thats interesting" said Nishi

"Yes. I attend discourses and seminars. Last weekend, I went to see this holy man. He lives in a slum, having renounced the world. I waited three hours outside his hut and when I finally saw him, I wanted to ask him so many things. But I remained silent."

Nishi was taken aback. Not that she thought being interested in spirituality was wrong. But in her experience, her peers and contemporaries rarely showed this level of interest. She was also a little worried. From spirituality, it was just a hop, skip and a jump to ritualism - which she abhorred.

"I should tell you that I take a skeptical view of god men. I believe in God and respect all faiths. In fact, my brother is married to a Christian. We're totally fine with that."

The reply to this mail stopped the progress of this alliance in its tracks!

"I must admit I am not comfortable with your views. I think it is not good to have two different faiths in one family. I have certain beliefs and opinions and don't feel like I have to compromise on them. I will be constantly paranoid about the influence, a member of another faith, will have on my children. I'm sure they will try to convert them into another faith."

Was this man for real?! Seemingly well educated, erudite and liberal minded. Yet he believed in 'holy / god men' having no problem waiting three hours in a slum to meet one. His political views on religion were fundamentalist to say the least. Well he could take his views and just buzz off!

Introspecting on the matter later, Nishi wondered if she was the exception. Did most of her generation think like this Arun character? Was SHE the misfit? And if she was, what next? Marriage, people said, was a compromise. Should she compromise her beliefs and values to attain the state of matrimony? But if she did, she would not remain herself. Nishigandha would become the sort of person that she hated. And self loathing was the worst punishment in the world.

"I think I'll just be me. Wait and watch. There are more fish in the sea!"

I have a lot of time on my hands these days. Naturally, I spend a huge chunk of it in front of the idiot box. So I was watching this program E! tonight. And realised how behind the times I am. It seems that Sandra Bullock's marriage is on the rocks. Turns out that her husband - who goes by the name Jesse James - was cheating on her with a tatoo model (it is news to me that this is a lucrative career option!) by the name Michelle 'Bombshell' McGee.

Now I like Sandra Bullock very much. I've seen many of her movies: Speed, While You Were Sleeping, Two Weeks Notice, Miss Congeniality etc and I really like this lady. I find her immensely likeable and relatable (if there is such a word). She's like....the Juhi Chawla of Hollywood! But her choice in men is lamentable. I did a bit of digging on the net and found out things about this Jesse James character that make you wonder - What was she thinking!

So this guy is a TV personality and owns a company that makes motorcycles. He's been married twice before he married Sandra Bullock (which to my conservative Indian way of thinking is one time too many). But the interesting bit is, that his second marriage was to a porn star, who according to wikipedia, was also convicted for tax evasion. Now I don't want to be judgemental here - but even the most open minded person would agree that there exists a yawning chasm between convicted porn star and classy Oscar winning actress.

What is it about smart,successful and beautiful women that makes them choose such losers? Take Zeenat Aman, who was battered by her beau Sanjay Khan, so badly that it left her with a permanently damaged eye. Or the lovely Hema Malini who married a married man, and settled for being the 'second wife'. Does the world of glamour and showbiz play such havoc with your psyche, that your good judgement and sense of self preservation totally deserts you? Or is this a risk that comes with any relationship? And it is only because these people are celebrities that it gets highlighted?

Or is it just that Deepa's idle mind has become the devil's workshop?!

Two days ago, my father grumbled that he was facing a 'book drought' and wanted a good book to read. He didn't look very excited when I gave him The Lord of the Rings. An hour later, he wandered into my room and announced the coordinates of Middle Earth. "It appears this book is set somewhere near the Equator". He couldn't understand why I cracked up over that comment!

* * * * *

You remember those halcyon school days when you and your friends spent hours wondering what you would do when you grew up? Well, my twelve year old niece reports that, a classmate told the class teacher "Miss, I think I will be a lesbian when I grow up". The teacher, paled and hovered on the edge of a panic attack (or so I imagine)on how to handle this unusual career choice. My niece offered her career-choice-of-the-moment. "Miss, I want to be a journalist when I grow up". The teacher clutched at this straw gratefully "Yes. Now that is much more practical". Yes....school hasn't changed much, though career options available to young people seem to have expanded manifold.

* * * * *

My mother is an unsung hero. She grew up in a small temple town in South India where families were tradition bound and life revolved around the temple. Among the fifty odd families that lived on that street, my mother was the first girl to complete high school. Back in the fifties, this was a remarkable achievement for conservative Tamil Brahmins. So how was she commended for this out of the ordinary achievement? What accolades did she receive? "Nothing. Life went on as usual".

* * * * *

Javed Akhtar must be real proud parent. I know I would be if I had a talented son like Farhaan Akhtar. The guy is so multifaceted - can direct, act and sing! So what brought on this gush fest? The spouse and I saw 'Karthik Calling Karthik' last night. Our collective verdict is that we liked the film.

The story, set in Mumbai, deals with the life of Karthik, a young professional working in a construction company. In the first thirty minutes of the film, he's this loser who gets bullied by all and sundry. He's in love with Shonali (Deepika Padukone), an architect who works in the same company but doesn't notice him. Then his life undergoes a transformation, when, strangely, he receives a telephone call from himself! I'll stop here with the story - don't want to spoil it for you. Its not a thriller or a murder mystery, but the story does have a twist.

Farhaan Akhtar owns this film. I mean the guy is superb. Apart from the fact that he's totally yummylicious, he's a talented actor. I don't know how he does it, but he gets Karthik's body language absolutely right. Look out for this scene where he's dressed in a black suit, saunters confidently into his office and proceeds to get his life back. The sauntering is total perfection!

Deepika Padukone is improving with each film that she does. I love the characterisation of Shonali. For starters, she's an architect. Imagine what a breath of fresh air that is, when all film heroines are expected to do by way of a career, is look breathtakingly beautiful and gaze worshipfully at the leading man. Second, she's a girl about town. Smokes, drinks and frequents pubs (at ease Mr. Muthalik! This is just a movie) and isn't considered a slut for doing so. She's a level headed girl trying to make a career for herself on her own terms. Applause!

Of course there are the occasional googlies and boo-boos. But if you can overlook these, the movie is good and worth seeing.

While on the subject of movie watching, I thought I'd use some space to rant about 'cinema hall etiquette'. Agreed the movie revolved around telephones. And agreed that audience being engaged is good. But does that have to be demonstrated by NOT putting your mobile on silent mode? Also, I'm baffled why someone would spend time on the mobile when you've spent money to come watch a film? Like this PYT that was sitting next to me. She spent some 30 minutes just sending and receiving sms-es-after having arrived late. Then the movie got interesting I suppose coz she stopped. (Way to go Farhaan!).

Before I sign off on this post - do look out for a Shyam Benegal movie called 'Well done Abba'. We saw the trailor during the interval and it looks promising. It has the same feel as 'Welcome to Sajjanpur'. Its set in Hyderabad (my home town) and seems to have captured the local Hyderabadi flavour. So I'm going to watch it for sure.

(Phew! Glad I got this post written. Its been a month since I wrote anything and was getting worried that The Muse had left for good.)

I've just returned from spending the last three days in Goa. It wasn't a holiday - for some reason people automatically think a visit to Goa means a holiday!! I had gone on official business. But I did take time to see a few of the sights. Not all and not the celebrated ones (like the Church of Bom Jesus). But what I saw, I enjoyed very much. I wanted to share those moments and so I'm putting up some photographs which I took. Alas, I forgot to take my camera. So these pictures have been taken with my mobile phone. Please bear with the not-so-great picture quality.

My stay was in Panjim which is about 32 kms from the Goa Airport. The drive was beautiful - lush greenery, waterways and bridges. Here is the one snap I managed to click from the moving taxi.



On the second day, I took a stroll with my colleagues along the promenade down to the jetty. The area has some superb buildings with a distinct architectural style. I'm not an expert, nor did we ask any local to enlighten us - but the architecture certainly indicates Goa's Portuguese past. Here are a few pictures.


At the Jetty

The structure in the distance is actually a floating casino. There were several of these, including one called Casino Royale!



Above is a picture of the Institute Menezes Braganza and Central Library-apparently the oldest public library in India set up in 1832. It is a lovely building in butter yellow. I noticed that many buildings were painted yellow, blue or red. As you will see in the pictures that follow.


Headquarters of 2 Signal Training Centre

According to a blog I found on Goan Architecture, the building in the picture below is named 'The Maquinez Palace' and was orginally built in 1702. The premises were used to house first the Goa Medical College, and then the Dept. of Food and Drug Administration, Govt. of Goa. It has since been renovated. In the present day, the offices of the Entertainment Society of Goa and the India International Film Festival, Directorate of Film Festivals and Press Information Bureau are situated here.





Deciding to do the 'touristy' thing, I took a cruise on the Mandovi River. The sailing vessel (it was too big to be called a boat and I do not know the correct name) is this huge three storeyed structure. On the topmost deck there is a stage with a DJ and lots of chairs. Passengers are 'treated' to song and dance. Loud music is played and people are invited to come and dance. People generally shed their inhibitions and shake a leg. Alcohol is consumed freely regardless of time of day. I cannot say that I enjoyed this experience. The water was lovely and the sights par excellence. I would have preferred to enjoy these in silence with only the sound of the waves for accompaniment. Be that as it may, here are some pictures:








The white structure you see in this picture is a sort of midget lighthouse

And, saving the best for last, the sun setting over the Arabian Sea....

"Off with the old! And on with the new!" thought Nishi. New Year always brought with it a sense of anticipation. She was all set to put the JP episode behind her and get on with the business of finding a life partner. Logging into her profile online, she powered the partner search and began browsing. Eventually, she stopped at one profile.

"Hmmm....", she thought " Thirty six years old. Has a masters degree. Works in the pharma industry. Is against dowry and states it. Thats good. Lives in Delhi with widowed mother. Hmmmm...." Nishi decided to let her dad do the talking. She was going to handle this through remote control.

A day later, her father called.

"So? What gives?" asked Nishi.

"See, he's working for a public sector undertaking. Its under the Ministry. I know about this one. Job wise, its all pucca. He is the only son. His father passed away some five years ago. He lives with his mother. Has a sister who's married. No encumbrances." said her father in delight. " I gave him your mobile number. Talk to him. See how it goes. If you're comfortable, then at some later date, you can meet him."

Two days later, he called.

"Hi. This is Bharat. Am I speaking to Nishigandha?"

Bharat lived in Delhi with his mother. His father had passed away a few years ago. Due to bad business decisions taken by his father, the family had suffered a financial set back. Bharat had started working after completing his graduation. He did his MBA part time and brought the family's economic situation back on track. He was now ready to settle down and get on with his life.

Bharat gave Nishi a lot of attention. They talked on the phone for at least an hour daily. His English was poor and he preferred to speak in Hindi. But at times, it felt to Nishi, that he was coming on a bit strong. Particularly after one incident. He had gone to Bangalore on official work. He called her from there and said that he was at his aunt's place and would she please speak with his cousin? Nishi didn't really want to speak to cousins this early in their relationship. But not wanting to sound rude, she agreed and promptly had an anxiety attack.

The cousin, trying to appear friendly, started the conversation with "Congratulations!"

"What for?" asked Nishi

"For your upcoming marriage to my brother"

"I haven't yet decided you know. Its too early to tell" replied Nishi feeling cornered.

"Doesn't matter. Thats just a formality. You're going to be my Bhabhi (sister-in-law)"

It wasn't the cousin's fault, Nishi supposed. Bharat must have led him to believe that things had progressed further than was actually the case. The thought annoyed her. She didn't care for high handedness. Later, Bharat apologised for putting her on the spot. Nishi grudgingly gave him the benefit of doubt.

********

Nishi scanned the airport terminal nervously. Here she was, at Delhi - come to meet Bharat and see if he was 'The One'. He had warned her on phone last night that he was 'no Hritik Roshan'. That he was 5'4" and weighed 90kgs. Nishi knew this from his profile She hoped she was not one to judge people on the basis of their physicality alone.

There he was. Wearing a yellow kurta and white pyjama as he said he would. He bore little resemblance to his profile photograph. It had not been very clear anyway.

Well, ok. The Hritik Roshan disclaimer had been bang on. He resembled a stuffed toy more than anything else. But that could be cute yes? And look! He was carrying red roses. How sweet!

********

Nishi lay back on the bed with a tired sigh. It had been a long day. She was glad to be staying at her friend's place for the next two days. She had gone to Bharat's home and had lunch with his mother. A sweet lady who hardly spoke. She had just greeted Nishi and disappeared into the kitchen. After lunch, Nishi had insisted that she wanted to speak to his mother - alone. Bharat had reluctantly agreed. He went to take a nap and left the two women alone.

Nishi had asked his mother what she was expecting in a daughter-in-law. The lady had replied softly," I have no expectations. I just want my son to be happy".

"But you must have SOME idea about the sort of woman who will be Bharat's wife" insisted Nishi. "The reason I'm asking is that I'm not your 'typical' daughter-in-law. I am a working woman and would like to be in a liberal minded family. I am not religious and do not observe rituals. Are these ok with you?"

The lady had seemed surprised. Then collecting herself, she replied " Like I said, I have no expectations. Maybe if you light the lamp daily that will do..." Some reality orientation was called for here thought Nishi. Before she could get to it, Bharat walked in.

"So? Finished all your discussion?" he wanted to know.

"Not really", said Nishi, annoyed at the interruption. Naps should last at least an hour she thought.

"Well, you ladies can discuss your matters later. I want to show you something Nishi" said Bharat.

"What is it?" asked Nishi

"I don't know if I mentioned it earlier Nishi, but I have got another job offer from a multinational pharma company. I have decided to accept the offer and will be moving to Bangalore."

"No. You didn't mention it." said Nishi. Not that it mattered really. Bangalore....Delhi. One metro city was the same as another.

"I've been offered a package of fifteen lakhs per annum. I will also be given accomodation and a car. I wanted to show you my offer letter."

"Congrats Bharat. Thats a great offer. And you don't have to show me your offer letter. I'm sure its as you say it is."

********

With her thoughts in turmoil, Nishi prepared for her departure from Delhi. What was she going to do about Bharat? On the one hand, he was well qualified, had a great job and good prospects. The way he had pulled his family out of financial doldrums was admirable. On the other hand, he was pushy. He took things for granted about her (cousin incident). They didn't really have much in common as far as interests went. And the weirdest thing was how he never left her alone with his mother for too long. Where was this headed?

At the airport, she told Bharat, " I need time to think things over. You're a nice person. But I need to think whether you are right for me. I'll get back to you with an answer in two weeks."

********

Two weeks later, Nishi was still in a dilemma. Was she headed anywhere with Bharat at all? To make matters worse, Bharat would call incessantly (truth be told, it was probably just 'regularly'. But given her mental agitation, it seemed more like 'incessantly'). Her parents kept asking what her decision was. She felt like a storm was trapped inside her head. Finally she decided to seek guidance from her college professor - someone she had great respect for and who had always given sound advice.

Prof Kamat listened to Nishi patiently. "So what do you want to do?" she asked Nishi.

"If I knew that ma'am, I would not be sitting here!" wailed Nishi." As time goes by, I'm filled with misgivings. My brain says I should say yes. But my heart and my conscience are holding me back. I don't know why".

"Hmmm...." said Prof Kamat thoughtfully. "Buy some time. With Bharat and with your parents. Let me do some digging on the chap. I have some contacts."

********

Five days later, Nishi sat looking at Prof Kamat in horror. "What?! Are you sure its the same Bharat?"

"Positive. Lives in Delhi at Dwarka with widowed mother. Works in a PSU in pharma industry. Yes. He's already married. Whether separated or divorced I don't know. My contact could not dig that much."

"No wonder he wouldn't let me talk to his mother! He was afraid she would spill the beans. How can somebody attempt to deceive like this? This is a lifetime decision. It should be made based on trust and transparency." said Nishi, shaken. What a narrow escape.

"Well Nishi," said Prof Kamat, "I know you. When you said your conscience did not permit you say yes, it got me thinking. You called it conscience. Others would call it a gut feeling or intuition. That's why I took the trouble of doing a bit of digging. And it was worth the effort. Now you know the way forward."

"Thanks Prof. Indeed I do."

********

Nishi was waiting for Bharat's call that night. She had already brought her parents upto speed. They were equally shocked and thanking their lucky stars their daughter had the good sense to seek objective guidance.

"Hi Nishi. Its Bharat."

"Hi. I've been waiting for your call. I have a decision."

"Yes?"

"I'm turning you down Bharat. The reason being that you're a liar who can put all other liars to shame. You deliberately tried to deceive me about your real marital status. You should be ashamed of yourself. Please do not attempt to contact me ever again. And a word of advise - foundation of marital relationship is truth and trust. You can never be happy unless you cultivate that. Goodbye."

Nishi disconnected the phone and looked across at her parents. They were smiling in encouragement.